Vietnamese Sweatshop Workers Proud To Make Shoes For Company That Stands Up For The Right Thing

Created and Co-Written by Kelly Kircher

Da Nang, Vietnam– News of the Nike’s latest ad campaign starring Colin Kaepernick spread quickly and, as expected, has garnered quite a response. Some found themselves inspired and in agreement with Nike’s marketing strategy, while others found themselves with cut-in-half crew socks and the charred remains of foot-odor ridden Air Maxes.

Kaepernick ended his football career in favor of social activism, making him a role model for the disenfranchised, but also making him the subject of 90% of poorly edited and blatantly racist Facebook memes shared by your grandparents in 2018.

We were able to interview two employees during their one allotted bathroom break over the course of their 16 hour shift. These employees will remain anonymous, not out of fear for their safety, but because they have been overworked in unsafe conditions for so long that they can’t recall their names or if they ever even had one. When asked about her response to the Kaepernick ads, the first employee replied:

“It’s an honor to be working for a company that values bravery and self-sacrifice for the greater good. My 14 roommates and I are so proud of Nike for taking this stand against human rights violations in America.”

At this point, our subject’s 2 minute permitted bathroom time had expired and the interview was over. We hung out in the stall for a couple hours until we were finally able to get this reply from a second employee asked about his reaction to Nike’s sudden socially-woke stance:

“I have butterflies in my stomach. I literally have no clue what news you’re talking about, seeing as how I can’t afford a TV and I wouldn’t have the spare time to watch it anyways, but I do have butterflies in my stomach. They’re slightly poisonous, sure, but it’s better than starving to death. Maybe.”

With this campaign, Nike has clearly solidified itself as the industry’s leader in racial and social equality activism. In the weeks to come, it will be interesting to see if other corporate titans who built their wealth on the backs of what is essentially slave labor will follow suit with bold-yet-superficial stances of their own.

Look no further than this dark, cramped sweatshop in Da Nang for proof of the bright, limitless future that awaits Nike if they keep running this race of righteousness.

 

Edited and Co-Written by Brian Best

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nike representatives refused to comment when asked about the three factory deaths that took place during our tour, but kindly sent our entire staff some pretty cool posters and gym bags instead.

Don’t Even TALK To Me Until I’ve Had My Morning Coffee (But Don’t Talk To Me Afterwards Either Because Caffeine Makes Me Very Anxious)

Oh my god, WHAT could you possibly want!?

Oh, it’s you. A dear reader. I am soooooo glad you decided to check in on your ol’ internet pal Brian, especially at such an early hour.

Sorry about that outburst, I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. It’s just, like, I’m a bit grumpy upon waking up most days. But rest assure, once I’ve had me my Piping Hot Mug O’ Joe™ (as we coffee connoisseurs call it), all of my world-hating views completely melt, as do my tastebuds.

It’s not that I’m still sleepy. Well, I am, but just my normal level of sleepy that I’ve been maintained since developing depression in 8th grade. I’m just grumpy.

I didn’t hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock–on account of I need the money my job provides in order to buy food and shelter so I can continue to work so I can continue to eat and sleep so I ca–dammit, I lost my train of thought. Luckily this pot of coffee should be finished brewing any minute now. Let’s try that again.

I may not have hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock, but I very much have hit the more figurative ‘snooze’ button on life. I might be here, but make no mistake, in no way am I, like, here.

Don’t speak to me. I’m likely in some sort of daydream about doing literally anything besides work. Not even necessarily something cool. Maybe just like trying to teach a senior citizen how to use an Apple TV. Really anything besides being at work and being surrounded by you-uuuuuu…nicorns?

(Nice save there, Brian.)

If I do happen to hear so much as a “good morning” escape your mouth, I will take it as an act of aggression. In your simple, blissful mind you may have been extending a genuine nicety, but what I hear pre-coffee is:

“That pen on my desk? Yeah, I got it as a gift from my late grandfather, but feel free to use it as a pick to remove that gum on you stepped in! And while you’re at it, do you mind taking a huge bite out of the BLT I brought for lunch and then placing it carefully back in the bag as if nothing happened?”

But yeah, good f***ing morning to you too, Larry.

Oh, thank God, the coffee is ready.

Mmmm…tastes great (according to the 3 remaining tastebuds that haven’t been singed off by a combination of hot coffee and perpetual impatience). Much better. I feel like a brand new ma–oh wait, you’re still here? Oh, no, no, I don’t mind at all. I seem jumpy, you say? Ha ha! HA! Get out of here!!!

UhhHhhHHmMm no I’m not still grumpy. You witnessed me drink my morning coffee and receive its therapeutic effects. My eyes are wide, my blood pressure is through the roof, and my brain is racing at uncomfortable speeds with anxious thoughts and crippling self-doubt.

WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR???

You know what, can we actually not have this conversation right now? It’s just that I’m hearing absolutely nothing you’re saying. Instead, I’m spending this conversation time speculating the thousands of criticisms of me that you’re either veiling in sugarcoated speech or withholding entirely.

I just–I just can’t do this right now. You ask me how my vacation in Colorado went, but I know by the look in your eyes that you’re truly saying:

“I know you picked up that Cliff Bar you dropped on a public sidewalk and still ate it after looking around to make sure nobody was watching. Everybody knows it. You’re a foul human being and even people that don’t know you exist agree. Also you cheated in 7-up all the time in elementary school. Disgraceful.”

So just save the bullshit, Kendra. For once. This is just not the time.

Talk to me again once this caffeine buzz wears off. Then I’ll be feeling like myself again. You know, the classic bubbly happy-go-lucky Brian that you’re all so very used to.

Until then,

(Brian) Best wishes,

AND QUIT LOOKING AT ME,

Brian Best

8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina

Hello readers! Brian here. Well, we’re halfway through 2018 and you know what that means–yep! Time to give up on all of my aspirations and completely redirect.

Don’t fret, mom and the other 2 people that actually read this blog (my mom’s co-workers that she coerces into reading my stuff during their lunch breaks), this next venture is bound to be a goldmine. Unlike the other 300 career plans that I’ve cycled through in a revolving door fashion over the past few years, this one is simply bullet-proof.

As of today, I am rebranding myself as a travel writer. It’s almost a certainty you’ll see my face in one of those in-flight magazines the next time you fly coach into Pittsburgh for a business seminar. BuzzFeed wishes they could have this.

Introducing my first ever travel piece, ‘8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina’! Just like in my article about street signs and band names, these are all real life signs that I’ve come across in Raleigh, NC and the surrounding areas. Enjoy!

 

Here in North Carolina, you can hardly take 10 steps without hearing our signature slogan:

“Y’all ain’t lived ’til y’all done tried our roast sand, hun”

The beauty of this sign is its honesty and simplicity. Indeed, roast sand is delicious. Plus, it’s a hell of a lot better for you than fried sand, which as we all know is the signature dish in vastly inferior South Carolina.

 

 

 

 

 


The following is a paid avertisement:

 

Interested in purchasing a HUGE kid for a small price? Then come on down to JoCoSale, where the only thing bigger than our discounts are our kids! August 12-14 only. Discounts offered on purchases of 5 kids or more. No refunds.

 

 

 

 


 

Ah, allow me to introduce you to one of North Carolina’s biggest celebrities: Strange Man on a Billboard. Nobody knows who this guy is. Nobody’s ever actually seen him. We don’t know if he’s even real. But he’s scary looking. That hat, those gazing eyes. He knows things about us that we don’t even know about ourselves. About half of every North Carolinian’s paycheck goes straight to Strange Man on a Billboard every payday. We don’t know what Strange Man on a Billboard is supposedly protecting us from, but it must be f***ing terrifying for it to be a bigger threat to our well-being than he is. I should change the subject now, assuredly the Strange Man on a Billboard is watching.


 

Here in North Carolina, inflation hit us hard. For evidence of this, check out this “deal” at the local Burger King. $329 for a two cheeseburger deal? Get out of here, Corporate America. I’m no capitalistic drone–you won’t catch me paying more than $200 for a two cheeseburger meal. Unless it comes with a toy, I guess. It’d have to be something cool like a Sonic toy or maybe GI Joe.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Although inflation continues to rise steeply, the housing market in North Carolina has actually never been better. A lot of big-wig economists with their dumb book-learning and self-congratulatory jargon will try to use the current interest rate as proof that the housing market is thriving. However, that’s stupid because I think you and I both know that decimals are super small, so that can’t really be all that important. You know? If you want an example of how great of a time it is to purchase a home, take a look at the CPPP (Complimentary Pizzas Per Purchase) rate. It has never been higher, and some are even speculating that we’ll be in 2 topping territory by the time 2019 rolls around.

 


 

 

Hmm, not sure if this one is a marketing blunder or brilliant advertising. I’ll reserve comment until I find out which.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Ah, the Laxy of Sports. This one is a bit embarrassing for me to explain. So, the Laxy of Sports was actually built as a tribute to Airbud–or as our former governor called him: “The Lassie of Sports”. However, us North Carolinans no are very good in English or speling.

 


 

 

North Carolina–first in flight, 48th in education, birthplace of Pepsi Cola and Brian Best, and home to the only furniture store for Monks by Monks (better known as a rug store). No one has actually seen any Monks in this state, but surely they must exist because this strange business has existed as long as any of us can remember.

 


If you see any signs like this, there’s no way you’re anywhere besides North Carolina.

Brian Best

World Class Travel Writer

Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’

Hello again, dear blog readers! Brian here.

Yes, the same Brian from the previous posts. No, I didn’t die. Quite the opposite actually–I am more alive than ever!

The reason I haven’t posted on here in a while is because, well, I fell in love a couple weeks ago. That’s right, the Brian Best that 3 ex-girlfriend’s described as “afraid of commitment and intimacy” is head over heels in love. I always believed the talk about ‘soul-mates’ was pure phooey, but that cynicism completely dissolved the moment I laid eyes on my soul-mate(‘s Tinder profile).

I know this is typically a comedy blog, but I’d like to get serious and tell you a bit about her. She’s truly one of a kind. I could never get around to listing all the things that make her so remarkably unique, but dammit, I’ll give it a shot: Continue reading “Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’”

The Very Best Of The Very Best Of

— brian best (@verybestof_me) July 4, 2018

A TREND WAS BORN:

#FakeNews Friday: June 29th, 2018 Edition–THROWBACK!

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Today’s edition is a special one. This #FakeNewsFriday is a throwback collection of my first ever batch of #FakeNews–from back in November 2016. Enjoy!

 

Continue reading “#FakeNews Friday: June 29th, 2018 Edition–THROWBACK!”

#FakeNews Friday: June 15th, 2018 Edition

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Enjoy!

 

Original: https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/judge-orders-paul-manafort-jail-pending-trial/story?id=55922674&cid=clicksource_4380645_1_hero_headlines_bsq_image

 

Original: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/kzk5ee/this-video-of-marco-rubio-talking-about-kanye-is-just-bleak-vgtrn

 

Original: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2018/06/15/neighbor-who-attacked-rand-paul-sentenced-to-30-days-in-prison.html

NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer”

When it comes to the downfall of a once GREAT civilization, it appears that we’re halfway there (oh! oh! livin’ on a prayer!–see what I did there?).

No, but seriously, this is a huge deal.

I’m SICK and TIRED–but that’s just a general statement about my well-being as an old guy that gets angry while watching the news every day.

Anyways.

Continue reading “NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer””

#FakeNews Friday: June 8th, 2018 Edition

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Although sometimes, such as in the case of an image in this very post, all it takes is photoshopping a joint into the hand of Senator Chuck Schumer.

Hope you enjoy!

Original: https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/07/politics/trump-g7-canada/index.html

 

Original: https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/19/politics/cambridge-analytica-whistleblower-congress-hearing/index.html

 

Original: https://news.vice.com/en_us/article/7xdjqz/sen-chuck-schumer-to-introduce-bill-to-decriminalize-marijuana

 

Original: https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/07/politics/stormy-daniels-ex-attorney-sues/index.html