Sorry That Kiwis Account For 6 Spots In Our ‘Definitive List Of The Top 10 Fruits’–Our Health & Nutrition Writer Got Summoned For Jury Duty And We Have Deadlines To Meet, People

Folks, folks.

I get it.

Folks.

I know most of you are checking into this website for our informative and reliable Health & Nutrition blurbs, so I’m really begging you let this lone mishap slide. We can’t lose your viewership.

Yes, I get it. You’re none too happy that kiwis account for 6 spots in this Definitive List of the Top 10 Fruits. It’s a tart-tasting injustice, and for that we apologize. It’s just that our normal Health & Nutrition writer (the famous Gordon Fitness) got summoned for jury duty last minute. This is a business and we have deadlines to meet, even when our all-star writer gets pulled away because some inconsiderate asshole murdered his estranged friend in a spot just 400 yards away from being outside of this city’s limits.

So without any further adieu, here’s the best I could do given the fact that 95% of my diet consists of frozen microwave meals and also I simply don’t care about this article or its contents:

TheVeryBestOf’s Definitive List of the Top 10 Fruits

  1. Kiwis – Love these things! They taste great, although I’m a bit picky in that I prefer to eat mine without the skin. Try one out! They can be found in your local grocery store, or so I assume, honestly I never really walk through the produce section.
  2. Potatoes – Definitely one of the best fruits. As far as fruits that can be turned into an unhealthy fried snack, potato is hard to beat. One time I even made a potato cannon for a project and got to test it in my class! I had to change schools, Mrs. Mathis had to change eyeballs, but all in all it was pretty freakin’ cool.
  3. Kiwis – Mmmm, kiwis sure are delicious! Sure, they have a ton of seeds so you’re at great risk of growing hundreds of kiwis inside your stomach, slowly expanding until you pop open and send these delectable fruits sailing in every which way–but if you think about it, wouldn’t that be a pretty cool way to die???
  4. Kiwis (liquid form) – Easily one of my top 2 fruit flavors in the Strawberry-Kiwi flavor of Capri-Sun. Healthy and delicious, it’s hard to beat! 
  5. Beans – Embarrassingly enough, I didn’t find out that beans were a fruit until just a couple months ago. That’s when legendary bean advocate GoodBeanJokes came along with some catchy rhymes about beans and how they’re an especially magical fruit. Thanks GoodBeanJokes! 
  6. Kiwis – Honestly one of the better fruits when it comes to juggle-ability. Can launch those suckers (but be careful to avoid tendonitis). 
  7. Sour Patch Kids – These delicious and nutritious snacks are packed with a variety of top-notch fruits. You’ve got the blue fruit, the red one, the orange one too.  I usually give the green and yellow ones to my brother. Plus if you eat too many it kinda cuts the roof of your mouth. 
  8. Giant Kiwis – The big ol’ kiwis are great! If you’re looking for a fruit that can provide you with some deserted island amnesia by falling from a tree onto your head, then look no further than giant kiwis! I’ve also found they’re great makeshift bowling balls when your evil ex-wife Sharon throws away all your things after you forgot her birthday for the 3rd year in a row. Mmmm mmm good! 
  9. Sour Patch Kids (the watermelon kind though) – The first like 12 of these you eat are really tasty but I tend to get bored of them rather quickly. Suggest that you only buy during the summer (which is watermelon season, when they’re at their ripest). 
  10. Kiwis – A fun kiwi recipe that millenials are notorious for loving is avocado toast. Save some money by making it at the home you were able to afford all because you didn’t go out to brunch! Here’s how: get a kiwi, remove all the seeds, smush it up reaaaaaal good and spread it on a hard piece of bread. Delightful! 

 

Well, that’s it for our nutritional tid-bit of the day! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as you enjoy the dozen kiwis you’re surely going to eat for dinner tonight!

-Brian Best

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REVIEW: Car Seat Headrest @ Cat’s Cradle, 09/21/2018

Welcome to theverybestof’s first edition of:

We’re going to get things started here by reviewing the concert I went to last night: Car Seat Headrest.

Let’s get it poppin’.

Alcoholic Beverages Consumed: Precisely One (1) PBR

I ended up with driving duties because my roommate Drew’s car was “out of gas”, totally deflating my dreams of consuming a gin & tonic or 6 at the venue. I suppose this worked out, as I was only at the show for purely  professional reasons (to produce this highly professional review piece).

Visuals: A

The light-work was absolutely phenomenal. Honestly, it started to piss me off just how great of a job they did with stage-lighting. From the moment the set started until the conclusion of the show, they refused to give our brains a break for even one damn minute.

I can think of maybe two shows I’ve been to that may have beat it out in this category (disclaimer: I go to a LOT of concerts), but all-in-all Car Seat Headrest checks in at an impressive A grade here.

Band Aesthetic: C+

Will Toledo was rocking a plain white t-shirt. Iconic.

Guitarist Ethan Ives had on what looked to be a Pixies shirt. Gotta respect it.

The guitarist opposite of Ethan Ives (who isn’t an officially listed member of the band and whose name I wasn’t able to locate) had a serious Totally Kyle look going on.

Some solid components, but given that it was a 7 man band, 3 notable looks just isn’t enough to get you on theverybestof’s Honor Roll.

Stage Antics: A

You know, for the majority of the show I actually thought I’d have to give Car Seat Headrest something around a C here. Not that they were particularly boring for most of the show. They did everything they should have. Putting a 7-piece band on a relatively small stage doesn’t really leave a lot of room for hijinx.

Or so I thought.

That was until around the 3rd to last song, one of the percussionists picked up the cowbell. That’s right, the legendary cowbell. Can’t get enough of it. This guy is standing on an amp, giving it his best Will Ferrell impression for the first part of the song. All of a sudden he jumps down into the crowd and is lost from my vision. About a minute goes by without seeing a trace of our courageous cowbeller, when suddenly my friend Drew inconsiderately elbowed me in my ribcage. “Look!”

THE DUDE HAD CLIMBED UP ONTO AN OVERLOOKING BALCONY AND WAS CRUSHING HIS COWBELL AT ABOUT 8 FEET HIGHER OF AN ELEVATION THAN THE REST OF THE BAND.

But that’s not all.

He came back down to Earth with us, but within another minute he had pulled some girl wearing a NASA shirt up onto stage and summoned another cowbell from God-knows-where. For those of you keeping count at home, we are now at the unheard of 2 Cowbell mark. He gives it to our wannabe-astronaut friend and she proceeds to suck absolute shit trying to bang that bell in rhythm. But she was having a blast, and for that she has my eternal respect.

Crowd Engagement: A-

Sort of a reverse mullet set-up, if you will. Business in the back, party in the front.

The front rows were packed with 16-18 year olds looking for any chance to mosh that they could. God only knows how many juuls were left on the ground beneath their feet once the show concluded and their moms picked them up out front.

The areas in the back towards the exit were chock full of older adults that clearly felt uncomfortable, given their rigid and cross-armed stances maintained for the entirety of the show. But pay close enough attention and you’d notice a consistent foot-tap and a finger-waggle here or there. They enjoyed it despite feeling totally out-of-place while enjoying it. Infinitely respectable on their parts.

The crowd matched Car Seat Headrest’s energy fairly well from start to finish, don’t get me wrong. However, it was certainly the most packed I’ve ever seen Cat’s Cradle and given those circumstances, I can’t in good faith give out an A here. Nobody tried to crowd-surf and nobody stupidly tried to climb onto stage. A good performance on the crowd’s part, but definitely still room for improvement.

Shirt Selection: F-

As any of you that follow me on Instagram know, I am a SLUT for concert t-shirts. I have probably spent a sickening amount of money on concert merch in 2018, but thankfully I have too much anxiety to ever really look at my bank statements so it’s all good.

Car Seat Headrest had at least 3 t-shirts displayed that I would’ve loved to have taken home. I spent about 2 minutes deciding just which one I wanted, but shortly after internally making that decision I noticed the hastily handwritten sign just to the side of the shirts. My heart sunk as I read:

“Sorry, we are out of medium and large Car Seat Headrest shirts. Merch can be ordered at https://carseatheadrest.bigcartel.com/”

UGH.

In time, I summoned some strength to overcome my heartbreak and I happily took home their album Teens of Denial on vinyl instead.

(WRITER’S NOTE: I will devote the rest of my life to anyone that orders this shirt for me in a medium or large)

Did A Stranger Spill Their Drink On Me: No

No sticky shoes this time. A truly rare occurrence.

Encore: Hellllllll yeaaah!

They were planning on ending their show but once they walked off the stage, I started clapping and let out one of my signature “WOO!“s. Low and behold, because of my support they came back out and rocked out for one last very long song. I’m sure they were just trying to get a positive review from this esteemed publication, but still pretty chill of them in my opinion.

How Frustratingly Long Did It Take To Get Out of the Parking Deck After the Show: On A Scale Of 1-10, I Guess I’d Say A 4?

I’ve certainly endured worse both in general concert experiences, but specifically at this same Cat’s Cradle venue. I was surprised it wasn’t worse given the number of people at this show.

 


Overall, it was a truly great night seeing Will Toledo and Car Seat Headrest perform their art. It was my first time seeing them and they easily exceeded my already high expectations for the show. I strongly suggest checking them out if they’re ever performing nearby. And if they aren’t, then check them out on Spotify.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next weekend with a review of the upcoming Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit concert. Until then: rock ‘n’ roll.

-Brian Best

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Vietnamese Sweatshop Workers Proud To Make Shoes For Company That Stands Up For The Right Thing

Created and Co-Written by Kelly Kircher

Da Nang, Vietnam– News of the Nike’s latest ad campaign starring Colin Kaepernick spread quickly and, as expected, has garnered quite a response. Some found themselves inspired and in agreement with Nike’s marketing strategy, while others found themselves with cut-in-half crew socks and the charred remains of foot-odor ridden Air Maxes.

Kaepernick ended his football career in favor of social activism, making him a role model for the disenfranchised, but also making him the subject of 90% of poorly edited and blatantly racist Facebook memes shared by your grandparents in 2018.

We were able to interview two employees during their one allotted bathroom break over the course of their 16 hour shift. These employees will remain anonymous, not out of fear for their safety, but because they have been overworked in unsafe conditions for so long that they can’t recall their names or if they ever even had one. When asked about her response to the Kaepernick ads, the first employee replied:

“It’s an honor to be working for a company that values bravery and self-sacrifice for the greater good. My 14 roommates and I are so proud of Nike for taking this stand against human rights violations in America.”

At this point, our subject’s 2 minute permitted bathroom time had expired and the interview was over. We hung out in the stall for a couple hours until we were finally able to get this reply from a second employee asked about his reaction to Nike’s sudden socially-woke stance:

“I have butterflies in my stomach. I literally have no clue what news you’re talking about, seeing as how I can’t afford a TV and I wouldn’t have the spare time to watch it anyways, but I do have butterflies in my stomach. They’re slightly poisonous, sure, but it’s better than starving to death. Maybe.”

With this campaign, Nike has clearly solidified itself as the industry’s leader in racial and social equality activism. In the weeks to come, it will be interesting to see if other corporate titans who built their wealth on the backs of what is essentially slave labor will follow suit with bold-yet-superficial stances of their own.

Look no further than this dark, cramped sweatshop in Da Nang for proof of the bright, limitless future that awaits Nike if they keep running this race of righteousness.

 

Edited and Co-Written by Brian Best

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nike representatives refused to comment when asked about the three factory deaths that took place during our tour, but kindly sent our entire staff some pretty cool posters and gym bags instead.

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Don’t Even TALK To Me Until I’ve Had My Morning Coffee (But Don’t Talk To Me Afterwards Either Because Caffeine Makes Me Very Anxious)

Oh my god, WHAT could you possibly want!?

Oh, it’s you. A dear reader. I am soooooo glad you decided to check in on your ol’ internet pal Brian, especially at such an early hour.

Sorry about that outburst, I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. It’s just, like, I’m a bit grumpy upon waking up most days. But rest assure, once I’ve had me my Piping Hot Mug O’ Joe™ (as we coffee connoisseurs call it), all of my world-hating views completely melt, as do my tastebuds.

It’s not that I’m still sleepy. Well, I am, but just my normal level of sleepy that I’ve been maintained since developing depression in 8th grade. I’m just grumpy.

I didn’t hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock–on account of I need the money my job provides in order to buy food and shelter so I can continue to work so I can continue to eat and sleep so I ca–dammit, I lost my train of thought. Luckily this pot of coffee should be finished brewing any minute now. Let’s try that again.

I may not have hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock, but I very much have hit the more figurative ‘snooze’ button on life. I might be here, but make no mistake, in no way am I, like, here.

Don’t speak to me. I’m likely in some sort of daydream about doing literally anything besides work. Not even necessarily something cool. Maybe just like trying to teach a senior citizen how to use an Apple TV. Really anything besides being at work and being surrounded by you-uuuuuu…nicorns?

(Nice save there, Brian.)

If I do happen to hear so much as a “good morning” escape your mouth, I will take it as an act of aggression. In your simple, blissful mind you may have been extending a genuine nicety, but what I hear pre-coffee is:

“That pen on my desk? Yeah, I got it as a gift from my late grandfather, but feel free to use it as a pick to remove that gum on you stepped in! And while you’re at it, do you mind taking a huge bite out of the BLT I brought for lunch and then placing it carefully back in the bag as if nothing happened?”

But yeah, good f***ing morning to you too, Larry.

Oh, thank God, the coffee is ready.

Mmmm…tastes great (according to the 3 remaining tastebuds that haven’t been singed off by a combination of hot coffee and perpetual impatience). Much better. I feel like a brand new ma–oh wait, you’re still here? Oh, no, no, I don’t mind at all. I seem jumpy, you say? Ha ha! HA! Get out of here!!!

UhhHhhHHmMm no I’m not still grumpy. You witnessed me drink my morning coffee and receive its therapeutic effects. My eyes are wide, my blood pressure is through the roof, and my brain is racing at uncomfortable speeds with anxious thoughts and crippling self-doubt.

WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR???

You know what, can we actually not have this conversation right now? It’s just that I’m hearing absolutely nothing you’re saying. Instead, I’m spending this conversation time speculating the thousands of criticisms of me that you’re either veiling in sugarcoated speech or withholding entirely.

I just–I just can’t do this right now. You ask me how my vacation in Colorado went, but I know by the look in your eyes that you’re truly saying:

“I know you picked up that Cliff Bar you dropped on a public sidewalk and still ate it after looking around to make sure nobody was watching. Everybody knows it. You’re a foul human being and even people that don’t know you exist agree. Also you cheated in 7-up all the time in elementary school. Disgraceful.”

So just save the bullshit, Kendra. For once. This is just not the time.

Talk to me again once this caffeine buzz wears off. Then I’ll be feeling like myself again. You know, the classic bubbly happy-go-lucky Brian that you’re all so very used to.

Until then,

(Brian) Best wishes,

AND QUIT LOOKING AT ME,

Brian Best

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8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina

Hello readers! Brian here. Well, we’re halfway through 2018 and you know what that means–yep! Time to give up on all of my aspirations and completely redirect.

Don’t fret, mom and the other 2 people that actually read this blog (my mom’s co-workers that she coerces into reading my stuff during their lunch breaks), this next venture is bound to be a goldmine. Unlike the other 300 career plans that I’ve cycled through in a revolving door fashion over the past few years, this one is simply bullet-proof.

As of today, I am rebranding myself as a travel writer. It’s almost a certainty you’ll see my face in one of those in-flight magazines the next time you fly coach into Pittsburgh for a business seminar. BuzzFeed wishes they could have this.

Introducing my first ever travel piece, ‘8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina’! Just like in my article about street signs and band names, these are all real life signs that I’ve come across in Raleigh, NC and the surrounding areas. Enjoy!

 

Here in North Carolina, you can hardly take 10 steps without hearing our signature slogan:

“Y’all ain’t lived ’til y’all done tried our roast sand, hun”

The beauty of this sign is its honesty and simplicity. Indeed, roast sand is delicious. Plus, it’s a hell of a lot better for you than fried sand, which as we all know is the signature dish in vastly inferior South Carolina.

 

 

 

 

 


The following is a paid avertisement:

 

Interested in purchasing a HUGE kid for a small price? Then come on down to JoCoSale, where the only thing bigger than our discounts are our kids! August 12-14 only. Discounts offered on purchases of 5 kids or more. No refunds.

 

 

 

 


 

Ah, allow me to introduce you to one of North Carolina’s biggest celebrities: Strange Man on a Billboard. Nobody knows who this guy is. Nobody’s ever actually seen him. We don’t know if he’s even real. But he’s scary looking. That hat, those gazing eyes. He knows things about us that we don’t even know about ourselves. About half of every North Carolinian’s paycheck goes straight to Strange Man on a Billboard every payday. We don’t know what Strange Man on a Billboard is supposedly protecting us from, but it must be f***ing terrifying for it to be a bigger threat to our well-being than he is. I should change the subject now, assuredly the Strange Man on a Billboard is watching.


 

Here in North Carolina, inflation hit us hard. For evidence of this, check out this “deal” at the local Burger King. $329 for a two cheeseburger deal? Get out of here, Corporate America. I’m no capitalistic drone–you won’t catch me paying more than $200 for a two cheeseburger meal. Unless it comes with a toy, I guess. It’d have to be something cool like a Sonic toy or maybe GI Joe.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Although inflation continues to rise steeply, the housing market in North Carolina has actually never been better. A lot of big-wig economists with their dumb book-learning and self-congratulatory jargon will try to use the current interest rate as proof that the housing market is thriving. However, that’s stupid because I think you and I both know that decimals are super small, so that can’t really be all that important. You know? If you want an example of how great of a time it is to purchase a home, take a look at the CPPP (Complimentary Pizzas Per Purchase) rate. It has never been higher, and some are even speculating that we’ll be in 2 topping territory by the time 2019 rolls around.

 


 

 

Hmm, not sure if this one is a marketing blunder or brilliant advertising. I’ll reserve comment until I find out which.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Ah, the Laxy of Sports. This one is a bit embarrassing for me to explain. So, the Laxy of Sports was actually built as a tribute to Airbud–or as our former governor called him: “The Lassie of Sports”. However, us North Carolinans no are very good in English or speling.

 


 

 

North Carolina–first in flight, 48th in education, birthplace of Pepsi Cola and Brian Best, and home to the only furniture store for Monks by Monks (better known as a rug store). No one has actually seen any Monks in this state, but surely they must exist because this strange business has existed as long as any of us can remember.

 


If you see any signs like this, there’s no way you’re anywhere besides North Carolina.

Brian Best

World Class Travel Writer

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Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’

Hello again, dear blog readers! Brian here.

Yes, the same Brian from the previous posts. No, I didn’t die. Quite the opposite actually–I am more alive than ever!

The reason I haven’t posted on here in a while is because, well, I fell in love a couple weeks ago. That’s right, the Brian Best that 3 ex-girlfriend’s described as “afraid of commitment and intimacy” is head over heels in love. I always believed the talk about ‘soul-mates’ was pure phooey, but that cynicism completely dissolved the moment I laid eyes on my soul-mate(‘s Tinder profile).

I know this is typically a comedy blog, but I’d like to get serious and tell you a bit about her. She’s truly one of a kind. I could never get around to listing all the things that make her so remarkably unique, but dammit, I’ll give it a shot: Continue reading “Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’”

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The Very Best Of The Very Best Of

— brian best (@verybestof_me) July 4, 2018

A TREND WAS BORN:

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#FakeNews Friday: June 29th, 2018 Edition–THROWBACK!

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Today’s edition is a special one. This #FakeNewsFriday is a throwback collection of my first ever batch of #FakeNews–from back in November 2016. Enjoy!

 

Continue reading “#FakeNews Friday: June 29th, 2018 Edition–THROWBACK!”

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#FakeNews Friday: June 15th, 2018 Edition

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Enjoy!

 

Original: https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/judge-orders-paul-manafort-jail-pending-trial/story?id=55922674&cid=clicksource_4380645_1_hero_headlines_bsq_image

 

Original: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/kzk5ee/this-video-of-marco-rubio-talking-about-kanye-is-just-bleak-vgtrn

 

Original: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2018/06/15/neighbor-who-attacked-rand-paul-sentenced-to-30-days-in-prison.html

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