8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina

Hello readers! Brian here. Well, we’re halfway through 2018 and you know what that means–yep! Time to give up on all of my aspirations and completely redirect.

Don’t fret, mom and the other 2 people that actually read this blog (my mom’s co-workers that she coerces into reading my stuff during their lunch breaks), this next venture is bound to be a goldmine. Unlike the other 300 career plans that I’ve cycled through in a revolving door fashion over the past few years, this one is simply bullet-proof.

As of today, I am rebranding myself as a travel writer. It’s almost a certainty you’ll see my face in one of those in-flight magazines the next time you fly coach into Pittsburgh for a business seminar. BuzzFeed wishes they could have this.

Introducing my first ever travel piece, ‘8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina’! Just like in my article about street signs and band names, these are all real life signs that I’ve come across in Raleigh, NC and the surrounding areas. Enjoy!

 

Here in North Carolina, you can hardly take 10 steps without hearing our signature slogan:

“Y’all ain’t lived ’til y’all done tried our roast sand, hun”

The beauty of this sign is its honesty and simplicity. Indeed, roast sand is delicious. Plus, it’s a hell of a lot better for you than fried sand, which as we all know is the signature dish in vastly inferior South Carolina.

 

 

 

 

 


The following is a paid avertisement:

 

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Ah, allow me to introduce you to one of North Carolina’s biggest celebrities: Strange Man on a Billboard. Nobody knows who this guy is. Nobody’s ever actually seen him. We don’t know if he’s even real. But he’s scary looking. That hat, those gazing eyes. He knows things about us that we don’t even know about ourselves. About half of every North Carolinian’s paycheck goes straight to Strange Man on a Billboard every payday. We don’t know what Strange Man on a Billboard is supposedly protecting us from, but it must be f***ing terrifying for it to be a bigger threat to our well-being than he is. I should change the subject now, assuredly the Strange Man on a Billboard is watching.


 

Here in North Carolina, inflation hit us hard. For evidence of this, check out this “deal” at the local Burger King. $329 for a two cheeseburger deal? Get out of here, Corporate America. I’m no capitalistic drone–you won’t catch me paying more than $200 for a two cheeseburger meal. Unless it comes with a toy, I guess. It’d have to be something cool like a Sonic toy or maybe GI Joe.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Although inflation continues to rise steeply, the housing market in North Carolina has actually never been better. A lot of big-wig economists with their dumb book-learning and self-congratulatory jargon will try to use the current interest rate as proof that the housing market is thriving. However, that’s stupid because I think you and I both know that decimals are super small, so that can’t really be all that important. You know? If you want an example of how great of a time it is to purchase a home, take a look at the CPPP (Complimentary Pizzas Per Purchase) rate. It has never been higher, and some are even speculating that we’ll be in 2 topping territory by the time 2019 rolls around.

 


 

 

Hmm, not sure if this one is a marketing blunder or brilliant advertising. I’ll reserve comment until I find out which.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Ah, the Laxy of Sports. This one is a bit embarrassing for me to explain. So, the Laxy of Sports was actually built as a tribute to Airbud–or as our former governor called him: “The Lassie of Sports”. However, us North Carolinans no are very good in English or speling.

 


 

 

North Carolina–first in flight, 48th in education, birthplace of Pepsi Cola and Brian Best, and home to the only furniture store for Monks by Monks (better known as a rug store). No one has actually seen any Monks in this state, but surely they must exist because this strange business has existed as long as any of us can remember.

 


If you see any signs like this, there’s no way you’re anywhere besides North Carolina.

Brian Best

World Class Travel Writer

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Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’

Hello again, dear blog readers! Brian here.

Yes, the same Brian from the previous posts. No, I didn’t die. Quite the opposite actually–I am more alive than ever!

The reason I haven’t posted on here in a while is because, well, I fell in love a couple weeks ago. That’s right, the Brian Best that 3 ex-girlfriend’s described as “afraid of commitment and intimacy” is head over heels in love. I always believed the talk about ‘soul-mates’ was pure phooey, but that cynicism completely dissolved the moment I laid eyes on my soul-mate(‘s Tinder profile).

I know this is typically a comedy blog, but I’d like to get serious and tell you a bit about her. She’s truly one of a kind. I could never get around to listing all the things that make her so remarkably unique, but dammit, I’ll give it a shot: Continue reading “Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’”

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The Very Best Of The Very Best Of

— brian best (@verybestof_me) July 4, 2018

A TREND WAS BORN:

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#FakeNews Friday: June 29th, 2018 Edition–THROWBACK!

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Today’s edition is a special one. This #FakeNewsFriday is a throwback collection of my first ever batch of #FakeNews–from back in November 2016. Enjoy!

 

Continue reading “#FakeNews Friday: June 29th, 2018 Edition–THROWBACK!”

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#FakeNews Friday: June 15th, 2018 Edition

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Enjoy!

 

Original: https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/judge-orders-paul-manafort-jail-pending-trial/story?id=55922674&cid=clicksource_4380645_1_hero_headlines_bsq_image

 

Original: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/kzk5ee/this-video-of-marco-rubio-talking-about-kanye-is-just-bleak-vgtrn

 

Original: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2018/06/15/neighbor-who-attacked-rand-paul-sentenced-to-30-days-in-prison.html

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NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer”

When it comes to the downfall of a once GREAT civilization, it appears that we’re halfway there (oh! oh! livin’ on a prayer!–see what I did there?).

No, but seriously, this is a huge deal.

I’m SICK and TIRED–but that’s just a general statement about my well-being as an old guy that gets angry while watching the news every day.

Anyways.

Continue reading “NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer””

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#FakeNews Friday: June 8th, 2018 Edition

For those of you that are as of yet unfamiliar with theverybestof’s take on #FakeNews, here’s what it usually consists of:

  1. Scrolling through various news platforms and getting mildly angry at how ridiculous of a time we live in
  2. Taking screenshots of articles+thumbnails that strike my fancy
  3. Erasing all the text in said screenshot
  4. Providing my best interpretation of what’s happening in the thumbnail
  5. Making a list of steps I take to produce a #FakeNews post

Although sometimes, such as in the case of an image in this very post, all it takes is photoshopping a joint into the hand of Senator Chuck Schumer.

Hope you enjoy!

Original: https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/07/politics/trump-g7-canada/index.html

 

Original: https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/19/politics/cambridge-analytica-whistleblower-congress-hearing/index.html

 

Original: https://news.vice.com/en_us/article/7xdjqz/sen-chuck-schumer-to-introduce-bill-to-decriminalize-marijuana

 

Original: https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/07/politics/stormy-daniels-ex-attorney-sues/index.html

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I Started CrossFit Last Week, So I’ve Decided To Base My Entire Personality Around That Fact

Hey there readers, it’s me, Brian (from the last blog post).

Just wanted to fill everyone in on my newest hobby, which is:

  1.  talking about BitCoin
  2. posting videos of me hula hooping on Instagram
  3. eating a vegan diet
  4. recording a podcast series
  5. posting daily Snapchats of me playing Fortnite
  6. telling everyone I meet what their astrology sign means
  7. defending Drake on the Internet
  8. hitting my juul as often and indiscreetly as possible
  9. being in a literal cult
  10. CrossFit

Continue reading “I Started CrossFit Last Week, So I’ve Decided To Base My Entire Personality Around That Fact”

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6 Street Names That Would Double As Pretty Sweet Band Names If I Ever Actually Get Around To Learning How To Play The Guitar

Like most average Americans, I spend quite a lot of time commuting to and from work. Instead of focusing on the safety of myself and others on the road like some kind of nerd, I tend to hone in on street signs and daydream about one day where I’m a rock star rather than a pencil-pusher. This blog post is a culmination of all those daydreams and traffic violations. All of these lovely streets can be found in Raleigh, North Carolina and the immediate surrounding areas. Hope you enjoy! Continue reading “6 Street Names That Would Double As Pretty Sweet Band Names If I Ever Actually Get Around To Learning How To Play The Guitar”

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