Don’t Even TALK To Me Until I’ve Had My Morning Coffee (But Don’t Talk To Me Afterwards Either Because Caffeine Makes Me Very Anxious)

Oh my god, WHAT could you possibly want!?

Oh, it’s you. A dear reader. I am soooooo glad you decided to check in on your ol’ internet pal Brian, especially at such an early hour.

Sorry about that outburst, I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. It’s just, like, I’m a bit grumpy upon waking up most days. But rest assure, once I’ve had me my Piping Hot Mug O’ Joe™ (as we coffee connoisseurs call it), all of my world-hating views completely melt, as do my tastebuds.

It’s not that I’m still sleepy. Well, I am, but just my normal level of sleepy that I’ve been maintained since developing depression in 8th grade. I’m just grumpy.

I didn’t hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock–on account of I need the money my job provides in order to buy food and shelter so I can continue to work so I can continue to eat and sleep so I ca–dammit, I lost my train of thought. Luckily this pot of coffee should be finished brewing any minute now. Let’s try that again.

I may not have hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock, but I very much have hit the more figurative ‘snooze’ button on life. I might be here, but make no mistake, in no way am I, like, here.

Don’t speak to me. I’m likely in some sort of daydream about doing literally anything besides work. Not even necessarily something cool. Maybe just like trying to teach a senior citizen how to use an Apple TV. Really anything besides being at work and being surrounded by you-uuuuuu…nicorns?

(Nice save there, Brian.)

If I do happen to hear so much as a “good morning” escape your mouth, I will take it as an act of aggression. In your simple, blissful mind you may have been extending a genuine nicety, but what I hear pre-coffee is:

“That pen on my desk? Yeah, I got it as a gift from my late grandfather, but feel free to use it as a pick to remove that gum on you stepped in! And while you’re at it, do you mind taking a huge bite out of the BLT I brought for lunch and then placing it carefully back in the bag as if nothing happened?”

But yeah, good f***ing morning to you too, Larry.

Oh, thank God, the coffee is ready.

Mmmm…tastes great (according to the 3 remaining tastebuds that haven’t been singed off by a combination of hot coffee and perpetual impatience). Much better. I feel like a brand new ma–oh wait, you’re still here? Oh, no, no, I don’t mind at all. I seem jumpy, you say? Ha ha! HA! Get out of here!!!

UhhHhhHHmMm no I’m not still grumpy. You witnessed me drink my morning coffee and receive its therapeutic effects. My eyes are wide, my blood pressure is through the roof, and my brain is racing at uncomfortable speeds with anxious thoughts and crippling self-doubt.

WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR???

You know what, can we actually not have this conversation right now? It’s just that I’m hearing absolutely nothing you’re saying. Instead, I’m spending this conversation time speculating the thousands of criticisms of me that you’re either veiling in sugarcoated speech or withholding entirely.

I just–I just can’t do this right now. You ask me how my vacation in Colorado went, but I know by the look in your eyes that you’re truly saying:

“I know you picked up that Cliff Bar you dropped on a public sidewalk and still ate it after looking around to make sure nobody was watching. Everybody knows it. You’re a foul human being and even people that don’t know you exist agree. Also you cheated in 7-up all the time in elementary school. Disgraceful.”

So just save the bullshit, Kendra. For once. This is just not the time.

Talk to me again once this caffeine buzz wears off. Then I’ll be feeling like myself again. You know, the classic bubbly happy-go-lucky Brian that you’re all so very used to.

Until then,

(Brian) Best wishes,

AND QUIT LOOKING AT ME,

Brian Best

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8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina

Hello readers! Brian here. Well, we’re halfway through 2018 and you know what that means–yep! Time to give up on all of my aspirations and completely redirect.

Don’t fret, mom and the other 2 people that actually read this blog (my mom’s co-workers that she coerces into reading my stuff during their lunch breaks), this next venture is bound to be a goldmine. Unlike the other 300 career plans that I’ve cycled through in a revolving door fashion over the past few years, this one is simply bullet-proof.

As of today, I am rebranding myself as a travel writer. It’s almost a certainty you’ll see my face in one of those in-flight magazines the next time you fly coach into Pittsburgh for a business seminar. BuzzFeed wishes they could have this.

Introducing my first ever travel piece, ‘8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina’! Just like in my article about street signs and band names, these are all real life signs that I’ve come across in Raleigh, NC and the surrounding areas. Enjoy!

 

Here in North Carolina, you can hardly take 10 steps without hearing our signature slogan:

“Y’all ain’t lived ’til y’all done tried our roast sand, hun”

The beauty of this sign is its honesty and simplicity. Indeed, roast sand is delicious. Plus, it’s a hell of a lot better for you than fried sand, which as we all know is the signature dish in vastly inferior South Carolina.

 

 

 

 

 


The following is a paid avertisement:

 

Interested in purchasing a HUGE kid for a small price? Then come on down to JoCoSale, where the only thing bigger than our discounts are our kids! August 12-14 only. Discounts offered on purchases of 5 kids or more. No refunds.

 

 

 

 


 

Ah, allow me to introduce you to one of North Carolina’s biggest celebrities: Strange Man on a Billboard. Nobody knows who this guy is. Nobody’s ever actually seen him. We don’t know if he’s even real. But he’s scary looking. That hat, those gazing eyes. He knows things about us that we don’t even know about ourselves. About half of every North Carolinian’s paycheck goes straight to Strange Man on a Billboard every payday. We don’t know what Strange Man on a Billboard is supposedly protecting us from, but it must be f***ing terrifying for it to be a bigger threat to our well-being than he is. I should change the subject now, assuredly the Strange Man on a Billboard is watching.


 

Here in North Carolina, inflation hit us hard. For evidence of this, check out this “deal” at the local Burger King. $329 for a two cheeseburger deal? Get out of here, Corporate America. I’m no capitalistic drone–you won’t catch me paying more than $200 for a two cheeseburger meal. Unless it comes with a toy, I guess. It’d have to be something cool like a Sonic toy or maybe GI Joe.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Although inflation continues to rise steeply, the housing market in North Carolina has actually never been better. A lot of big-wig economists with their dumb book-learning and self-congratulatory jargon will try to use the current interest rate as proof that the housing market is thriving. However, that’s stupid because I think you and I both know that decimals are super small, so that can’t really be all that important. You know? If you want an example of how great of a time it is to purchase a home, take a look at the CPPP (Complimentary Pizzas Per Purchase) rate. It has never been higher, and some are even speculating that we’ll be in 2 topping territory by the time 2019 rolls around.

 


 

 

Hmm, not sure if this one is a marketing blunder or brilliant advertising. I’ll reserve comment until I find out which.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Ah, the Laxy of Sports. This one is a bit embarrassing for me to explain. So, the Laxy of Sports was actually built as a tribute to Airbud–or as our former governor called him: “The Lassie of Sports”. However, us North Carolinans no are very good in English or speling.

 


 

 

North Carolina–first in flight, 48th in education, birthplace of Pepsi Cola and Brian Best, and home to the only furniture store for Monks by Monks (better known as a rug store). No one has actually seen any Monks in this state, but surely they must exist because this strange business has existed as long as any of us can remember.

 


If you see any signs like this, there’s no way you’re anywhere besides North Carolina.

Brian Best

World Class Travel Writer

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Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’

Hello again, dear blog readers! Brian here.

Yes, the same Brian from the previous posts. No, I didn’t die. Quite the opposite actually–I am more alive than ever!

The reason I haven’t posted on here in a while is because, well, I fell in love a couple weeks ago. That’s right, the Brian Best that 3 ex-girlfriend’s described as “afraid of commitment and intimacy” is head over heels in love. I always believed the talk about ‘soul-mates’ was pure phooey, but that cynicism completely dissolved the moment I laid eyes on my soul-mate(‘s Tinder profile).

I know this is typically a comedy blog, but I’d like to get serious and tell you a bit about her. She’s truly one of a kind. I could never get around to listing all the things that make her so remarkably unique, but dammit, I’ll give it a shot: Continue reading “Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’”

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NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer”

When it comes to the downfall of a once GREAT civilization, it appears that we’re halfway there (oh! oh! livin’ on a prayer!–see what I did there?).

No, but seriously, this is a huge deal.

I’m SICK and TIRED–but that’s just a general statement about my well-being as an old guy that gets angry while watching the news every day.

Anyways.

Continue reading “NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer””

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I Started CrossFit Last Week, So I’ve Decided To Base My Entire Personality Around That Fact

Hey there readers, it’s me, Brian (from the last blog post).

Just wanted to fill everyone in on my newest hobby, which is:

  1.  talking about BitCoin
  2. posting videos of me hula hooping on Instagram
  3. eating a vegan diet
  4. recording a podcast series
  5. posting daily Snapchats of me playing Fortnite
  6. telling everyone I meet what their astrology sign means
  7. defending Drake on the Internet
  8. hitting my juul as often and indiscreetly as possible
  9. being in a literal cult
  10. CrossFit

Continue reading “I Started CrossFit Last Week, So I’ve Decided To Base My Entire Personality Around That Fact”

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6 Street Names That Would Double As Pretty Sweet Band Names If I Ever Actually Get Around To Learning How To Play The Guitar

Like most average Americans, I spend quite a lot of time commuting to and from work. Instead of focusing on the safety of myself and others on the road like some kind of nerd, I tend to hone in on street signs and daydream about one day where I’m a rock star rather than a pencil-pusher. This blog post is a culmination of all those daydreams and traffic violations. All of these lovely streets can be found in Raleigh, North Carolina and the immediate surrounding areas. Hope you enjoy! Continue reading “6 Street Names That Would Double As Pretty Sweet Band Names If I Ever Actually Get Around To Learning How To Play The Guitar”

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5 Tips To Avoid Being A Fool This April 1st

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, I write up a blog post on my new website in hopes that nobody will ever fall for your cruel fooling again. So without any further ado (ado! ado! ado!–besides those ados), here are 5 tips to avoid being a fool this April 1st:

Continue reading “5 Tips To Avoid Being A Fool This April 1st”

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