Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’

Hello again, dear blog readers! Brian here.

Yes, the same Brian from the previous posts. No, I didn’t die. Quite the opposite actually–I am more alive than ever!

The reason I haven’t posted on here in a while is because, well, I fell in love a couple weeks ago. That’s right, the Brian Best that 3 ex-girlfriend’s described as “afraid of commitment and intimacy” is head over heels in love. I always believed the talk about ‘soul-mates’ was pure phooey, but that cynicism completely dissolved the moment I laid eyes on my soul-mate(‘s Tinder profile).

I know this is typically a comedy blog, but I’d like to get serious and tell you a bit about her. She’s truly one of a kind. I could never get around to listing all the things that make her so remarkably unique, but dammit, I’ll give it a shot:

  • Her name is Sarah
  • Or is it Haley?
  • Harley? Hanley? Stanley maybe?
  • No, that doesn’t sound right either
  • Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Love doesn’t need labels, and also it’s blind or something, so I didn’t think it was important that I pay attention to her name. Anyways
  • She is (or was at one point) 12 miles away
  • She probably loves her dog more than she’ll ever love me, but that’s OK though because she’s hugging her dog in 5 of her 6 profile pictures and that’s an absolutely suffocating level of love. I mean, the dog looks f***ing miserable
  • She likes ‘The Office’; I am the Jim to her Pam, just as she requested in her bio
  • Her favorite form of social media is Venmo (or so I assume, as it’s the only username she lists in her bio and I was forced to carry out my courting by way of $20 payments)
  • Her friend made her download this
  • We don’t have any common interests listed, yet nevertheless she asks that I ignore her interests as they are from, like, middle school
  • She’s 26
  • Oh wait, no–she’s actually 22 not 26. Apparently she lied about her age to make an account in middle school and now Facebook won’t let her change it. Dinkleberrrrrggggg!!! Zuckerberrrrrgggg!!!

So now you know a little bit about her. I don’t mean to rub it in everyone’s face that I’ve found a love that is definitely stronger than any of your relationships have had in the past or could ever hope to have in the future. Well, maybe I do just a little bit–suck itttttttttttt, everyone else!

Things are moving incredibly fast between us. Like, if you consider it relative to the beginning of our universe’s existence, then things between her and I are moving at a blistering pace.

So, we haven’t *actually* talked yet. Our love goes without saying. It also goes with saying, which is why I say it like 30 times in this post. I love her. 31.

Further, we haven’t even *technically* matched on Tinder yet. I mean, I signed up for a 5 year membership of Tinder Plus just to super-like her, but she must not have cell phone service right now because she clearly hasn’t been able to log on to swipe right on her fate.

I know what you’re thinking:

You seem to be over-romanticizing things, Brian.

What a stupid thought to think. Keep your stupidity and jealousy off of my blog, hypothetical concerned friend of my own invention.

I know things are going to work out between me and [insert common white girl name here]. You know how I know? That was a rhetorical question, stupid–I know you don’t know how I know. Unlike you, a stupid person always thinking stupid thoughts, I am intelligent and preemptively prepared a list for you:

  • As explained in my bio (just in case she couldn’t tell by my 6 photos), I have a beard
  • I have extraordinary grip strength, which I demonstrate by squeezing a fish in 3 of my 6 profile pictures
  • I listed my height in my bio to prove I’m not actually some little kid catfishing her. Rather, she’ll know that I’m either a legitimate and grown man or that I’m 3 little kids stacked on each other’s shoulders disguised in a trench coat and hat. It’s a win-win scenario, if you think about it
  • I have friends–that’ll be made quite clear when she sees that all 6 of my photos are group photos, leaving no clues as to which particular bro I am in my bro pics
  • I’m a man of many cool interests. I illustrate this in my bio by writing quite eloquently: [flag emoji] + [weight emoji] + [sport emoji] + [beer emoji] + [dog emoji] = me”

So yeah, I’m a bit of a catch. Even my mom says so.

Anyways, I think I just heard my phone vibrate. Love awaits! Either that or another e-mail reminder from CVS that my acid reflux medicine is ready to pick up. One of the two awaits!

Until next time my poor, poor, love-deprived readers,

Brian Best xoxo

 

[Special thanks to Gracie Hoos, Recipient of the Prestigious 2018 TheVeryBestOf’s Most Influential Influencer of the Year Award]

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2 thoughts on “Please, Girl I Matched With On Tinder, Tell Me More About How You Like Dogs And ‘The Office’”

  1. Hahaha that was such a great read Brian! One of my dude friends was just talking about like 4 out of the 9 things on your list of the girls he’s seen via tinder/bumble lately. So I laughed a lil extra hard.
    The dog thing was especially hilarious. Nicely done

  2. Also the ads in your blog post add value to the topic lololol “are latinas your type?”
    “See who’s waiting for you, just log on” 😂

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