Hello again, dear blog readers! Brian here.
Yes, the same Brian from the previous posts. No, I didn’t die. Quite the opposite actually–I am more alive than ever!
The reason I haven’t posted on here in a while is because, well, I fell in love a couple weeks ago. That’s right, the Brian Best that 3 ex-girlfriend’s described as “afraid of commitment and intimacy” is head over heels in love. I always believed the talk about ‘soul-mates’ was pure phooey, but that cynicism completely dissolved the moment I laid eyes on my soul-mate(‘s Tinder profile).
I know this is typically a comedy blog, but I’d like to get serious and tell you a bit about her. She’s truly one of a kind. I could never get around to listing all the things that make her so remarkably unique, but dammit, I’ll give it a shot:
- Her name is Sarah
- Or is it Haley?
- Harley? Hanley? Stanley maybe?
- No, that doesn’t sound right either
- Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Love doesn’t need labels, and also it’s blind or something, so I didn’t think it was important that I pay attention to her name. Anyways
- She is (or was at one point) 12 miles away
- She probably loves her dog more than she’ll ever love me, but that’s OK though because she’s hugging her dog in 5 of her 6 profile pictures and that’s an absolutely suffocating level of love. I mean, the dog looks f***ing miserable
- She likes ‘The Office’; I am the Jim to her Pam, just as she requested in her bio
- Her favorite form of social media is Venmo (or so I assume, as it’s the only username she lists in her bio and I was forced to carry out my courting by way of $20 payments)
- Her friend made her download this
- We don’t have any common interests listed, yet nevertheless she asks that I ignore her interests as they are from, like, middle school
- She’s 26
- Oh wait, no–she’s actually 22 not 26. Apparently she lied about her age to make an account in middle school and now Facebook won’t let her change it.
So now you know a little bit about her. I don’t mean to rub it in everyone’s face that I’ve found a love that is definitely stronger than any of your relationships have had in the past or could ever hope to have in the future. Well, maybe I do just a little bit–suck itttttttttttt, everyone else!
Things are moving incredibly fast between us. Like, if you consider it relative to the beginning of our universe’s existence, then things between her and I are moving at a blistering pace.
So, we haven’t *actually* talked yet. Our love goes without saying. It also goes with saying, which is why I say it like 30 times in this post. I love her. 31.
Further, we haven’t even *technically* matched on Tinder yet. I mean, I signed up for a 5 year membership of Tinder Plus just to super-like her, but she must not have cell phone service right now because she clearly hasn’t been able to log on to swipe right on her fate.
I know what you’re thinking:
You seem to be over-romanticizing things, Brian.
What a stupid thought to think. Keep your stupidity and jealousy off of my blog, hypothetical concerned friend of my own invention.
I know things are going to work out between me and [insert common white girl name here]. You know how I know? That was a rhetorical question, stupid–I know you don’t know how I know. Unlike you, a stupid person always thinking stupid thoughts, I am intelligent and preemptively prepared a list for you:
- As explained in my bio (just in case she couldn’t tell by my 6 photos), I have a beard
- I have extraordinary grip strength, which I demonstrate by squeezing a fish in 3 of my 6 profile pictures
- I listed my height in my bio to prove I’m not actually some little kid catfishing her. Rather, she’ll know that I’m either a legitimate and grown man or that I’m 3 little kids stacked on each other’s shoulders disguised in a trench coat and hat. It’s a win-win scenario, if you think about it
- I have friends–that’ll be made quite clear when she sees that all 6 of my photos are group photos, leaving no clues as to which particular bro I am in my bro pics
- I’m a man of many cool interests. I illustrate this in my bio by writing quite eloquently: “[flag emoji] + [weight emoji] + [sport emoji] + [beer emoji] + [dog emoji] = me”
So yeah, I’m a bit of a catch. Even my mom says so.
Anyways, I think I just heard my phone vibrate. Love awaits! Either that or another e-mail reminder from CVS that my acid reflux medicine is ready to pick up. One of the two awaits!
Until next time my poor, poor, love-deprived readers,
Brian Best xoxo