Like most average Americans, I spend quite a lot of time commuting to and from work. Instead of focusing on the safety of myself and others on the road like some kind of nerd, I tend to hone in on street signs and daydream about one day where I’m a rock star rather than a pencil-pusher. This blog post is a culmination of all those daydreams and traffic violations. All of these lovely streets can be found in Raleigh, North Carolina and the immediate surrounding areas. Hope you enjoy!
When I finally get around to picking up the guitar I bought at a neighbor’s yard sale 11 years ago, the possibilities will surely be infinite. Perhaps it’s a long shot, but I can’t rule out the chance that something just clicks during one of my hypothetical future daily guitar practices and I find myself as a budding new age country musician. You know, sorta like a Rascall Flatts (*vomits in mouth*) type vibe.
Although I’m quite partial to the name North Carolina South Carolina Line, when it comes to band names, it’s better to be safe than sorry. For this reason, I’ll keep the name Sassafrass Lane in my (unironically worn) overalls pocket just in case.
God Bless the Broken Road that led me straight to this badass band name.
Woodwinds Industrial Drive
Ah, I can imagine it now:
I’m playing the guitar in the park, music flowing as elegantly as the wind. As a result of all the hard work and dedication that will start next month (unless I can recall my old Candy Crush password or TBS starts airing re-runs of Seinfeld again), I sound great. Some fellow park-goers hear the melody and are drawn in like a Disney character floating towards the visible fumes of a fresh baked pie on a window sill. They lay their blanket down next to me and make themselves comfortable. Hungry from the Disney character/pie analogy I made two sentences ago, my mouth begins to water as they open up their picnic basket. However, much to my surprise, they instead pull out an assortment of flutes, piccolos, and oboes.
We play for hours straight (aside from the hour break we take while I drive to Taco Bell since I’m still hungry from the pie talk) (or the hour break we take while I pray for death in the park bathroom as a result of the Taco Bell break I ate during our previous break). The night starts to fall upon us, the toilet paper becomes scarce, and a band is formed. We decide to name ourselves Woodwinds Industrial Drive on account of our woodwind-heavy sound and the fact that this musical hallucination coincidentally began right after my boss at the factory ordered me to paint some parts with a can hastily labeled “Definitely NOT Lead Paint”–ooh, that’d be a pretty sweet first album name now that I think about it!
Mourning Dove Road
I’m a long time fan of Ben Gibbard, so it’s entirely possible that I venture down a Death Cab for Cutie-esque path if my friend Drew ever actually gets around to coming over and showing me the basics of guitar-playing like he’s been saying he’s gonna do since, like, 2014. Few names will resonate more directly with my potential quasi-emo fanbase than the band name Mourning Dove Road.
It checks all the boxes of the Death Cab for Cutie formula for success:
Sad word: Death, Mourning
Happy word: Cutie, Dove
Hmm, honestly I’m not really sure, guess it depends on the context in which the words are used: Cab for, Road
I expect our first single “I Totally Would Follow You Into The Dark, No Doubt, But I Think I May Have Accidentally Left One Of My Oven Burners On, Also I Promised My Neighbor That I’d Let His Dog Out While He’s Away On Business, So I’m Going Home, But Good Luck In The Dark, I’m Sure You’ll Be Just Fine” to serve as the troubled teen anthem just as so many Death Cab songs did in the past.
Let’s be realistic here–I’m a bit of a gimmicky guy. OK, OK, you’re absolutely right. I’m more than a bit of a gimmicky guy. My life is essentially a chaotic interwebbing of gimmicks ranging as far as the eye can see.
Anyways, enough of that realistic nonsense. Let’s go back to being unrealistic so I can continue to talk about my future band aspirations.
Perhaps I could embrace the gimmicky-ness and establish my band as some kind of tribute band. A quick Google search informed me that there’s a 90s progressive metal band named Drive, so I hereby pre-declare Tributary Drive to be the official tribute band of Drive. Scanning through their albums, I see they have a few neat song titles: “Stormtrooper“, “Eternal Mercenary“, and…oh my, I must’ve misread this one…no, no, I was right! Tributary Drive is gonna have quite the time performing what I assume to be a Drive mega-classic, “Sinister Minister“!
Wind Chime Court
Honestly, there isn’t much to this potential band name. From experience, I’ve found that people generally hate working in groups with (or even near) me. So if this whole band thing goes anything like the 8th grade science fair where Trey Stewart and Vicki Poole threw themselves into an actual volcano in order to avoid having to build a papier-mâché volcano at my house after school, I’ll avoid a musical meltdown by resorting to this back-up plan:
- Step 1: Get dismissed from court with only a warning not to forge any more Presidential Mandates ordering my ex-bandmates to let me back into the band
- Step 2: Get drunk, fall asleep on my phone, then accidentally one-click-order 30 identical wind chimes off of Amazon
- Step 3: Let history run its course and take my one-man-(and-30-wind-chimes)-band Wind Chime Court straight to the top
- Step 4: Maybe forge another Presidential Mandate to get back into my old band because it turns out wind chimes are really annoying
Light Brigade Lane
Here’s a hypothetical daydream band of mine that I think all my Old Head readers would enjoy: Light Brigade Lane. Since I don’t actually have any musical talent as of yet, it’s tough to say with any certainty, but I am 100% certain that we would draw a lot of favorable comparisons to Jeff Lynn’s legendary Electric Light Orchestra–except better, probably.
Those guys in ELO were onto something with their smash-hit “Don’t Bring Me Down“. By having a song title that instructs listeners to avoid bumming the musicians out, you drastically cut down the risk of being on the receiving end of a damning write-up by some snobby Pitchfork writer. However, ELO left their instructions a bit too vague, which is why Light Brigade Lane has decided to name our first single “Don’t Criticize Our Music, Please“. Stay tuned!