Oh my god, WHAT could you possibly want!?
Oh, it’s you. A dear reader. I am soooooo glad you decided to check in on your ol’ internet pal Brian, especially at such an early hour.
Sorry about that outburst, I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. It’s just, like, I’m a bit grumpy upon waking up most days. But rest assure, once I’ve had me my Piping Hot Mug O’ Joe™ (as we coffee connoisseurs call it), all of my world-hating views completely melt, as do my tastebuds.
It’s not that I’m still sleepy. Well, I am, but just my normal level of sleepy that I’ve been maintained since developing depression in 8th grade. I’m just grumpy.
I didn’t hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock–on account of I need the money my job provides in order to buy food and shelter so I can continue to work so I can continue to eat and sleep so I ca–dammit, I lost my train of thought. Luckily this pot of coffee should be finished brewing any minute now. Let’s try that again.
I may not have hit the ‘snooze’ button on my alarm clock, but I very much have hit the more figurative ‘snooze’ button on life. I might be here, but make no mistake, in no way am I, like, here.
Don’t speak to me. I’m likely in some sort of daydream about doing literally anything besides work. Not even necessarily something cool. Maybe just like trying to teach a senior citizen how to use an Apple TV. Really anything besides being at work and being surrounded by you-uuuuuu…nicorns?
(Nice save there, Brian.)
If I do happen to hear so much as a “good morning” escape your mouth, I will take it as an act of aggression. In your simple, blissful mind you may have been extending a genuine nicety, but what I hear pre-coffee is:
“That pen on my desk? Yeah, I got it as a gift from my late grandfather, but feel free to use it as a pick to remove that gum on you stepped in! And while you’re at it, do you mind taking a huge bite out of the BLT I brought for lunch and then placing it carefully back in the bag as if nothing happened?”
But yeah, good f***ing morning to you too, Larry.
Oh, thank God, the coffee is ready.
Mmmm…tastes great (according to the 3 remaining tastebuds that haven’t been singed off by a combination of hot coffee and perpetual impatience). Much better. I feel like a brand new ma–oh wait, you’re still here? Oh, no, no, I don’t mind at all. I seem jumpy, you say? Ha ha! HA! Get out of here!!!
UhhHhhHHmMm no I’m not still grumpy. You witnessed me drink my morning coffee and receive its therapeutic effects. My eyes are wide, my blood pressure is through the roof, and my brain is racing at uncomfortable speeds with anxious thoughts and crippling self-doubt.
WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR???
You know what, can we actually not have this conversation right now? It’s just that I’m hearing absolutely nothing you’re saying. Instead, I’m spending this conversation time speculating the thousands of criticisms of me that you’re either veiling in sugarcoated speech or withholding entirely.
I just–I just can’t do this right now. You ask me how my vacation in Colorado went, but I know by the look in your eyes that you’re truly saying:
“I know you picked up that Cliff Bar you dropped on a public sidewalk and still ate it after looking around to make sure nobody was watching. Everybody knows it. You’re a foul human being and even people that don’t know you exist agree. Also you cheated in 7-up all the time in elementary school. Disgraceful.”
So just save the bullshit, Kendra. For once. This is just not the time.
Talk to me again once this caffeine buzz wears off. Then I’ll be feeling like myself again. You know, the classic bubbly happy-go-lucky Brian that you’re all so very used to.
(Brian) Best wishes,
AND QUIT LOOKING AT ME,