Sorry That Kiwis Account For 6 Spots In Our ‘Definitive List Of The Top 10 Fruits’–Our Health & Nutrition Writer Got Summoned For Jury Duty And We Have Deadlines To Meet, People

Folks, folks.

I get it.

Folks.

I know most of you are checking into this website for our informative and reliable Health & Nutrition blurbs, so I’m really begging you let this lone mishap slide. We can’t lose your viewership.

Yes, I get it. You’re none too happy that kiwis account for 6 spots in this Definitive List of the Top 10 Fruits. It’s a tart-tasting injustice, and for that we apologize. It’s just that our normal Health & Nutrition writer (the famous Gordon Fitness) got summoned for jury duty last minute. This is a business and we have deadlines to meet, even when our all-star writer gets pulled away because some inconsiderate asshole murdered his estranged friend in a spot just 400 yards away from being outside of this city’s limits.

So without any further adieu, here’s the best I could do given the fact that 95% of my diet consists of frozen microwave meals and also I simply don’t care about this article or its contents:

TheVeryBestOf’s Definitive List of the Top 10 Fruits

  1. Kiwis – Love these things! They taste great, although I’m a bit picky in that I prefer to eat mine without the skin. Try one out! They can be found in your local grocery store, or so I assume, honestly I never really walk through the produce section.
  2. Potatoes – Definitely one of the best fruits. As far as fruits that can be turned into an unhealthy fried snack, potato is hard to beat. One time I even made a potato cannon for a project and got to test it in my class! I had to change schools, Mrs. Mathis had to change eyeballs, but all in all it was pretty freakin’ cool.
  3. Kiwis – Mmmm, kiwis sure are delicious! Sure, they have a ton of seeds so you’re at great risk of growing hundreds of kiwis inside your stomach, slowly expanding until you pop open and send these delectable fruits sailing in every which way–but if you think about it, wouldn’t that be a pretty cool way to die???
  4. Kiwis (liquid form) – Easily one of my top 2 fruit flavors in the Strawberry-Kiwi flavor of Capri-Sun. Healthy and delicious, it’s hard to beat! 
  5. Beans – Embarrassingly enough, I didn’t find out that beans were a fruit until just a couple months ago. That’s when legendary bean advocate GoodBeanJokes came along with some catchy rhymes about beans and how they’re an especially magical fruit. Thanks GoodBeanJokes! 
  6. Kiwis – Honestly one of the better fruits when it comes to juggle-ability. Can launch those suckers (but be careful to avoid tendonitis). 
  7. Sour Patch Kids – These delicious and nutritious snacks are packed with a variety of top-notch fruits. You’ve got the blue fruit, the red one, the orange one too.  I usually give the green and yellow ones to my brother. Plus if you eat too many it kinda cuts the roof of your mouth. 
  8. Giant Kiwis – The big ol’ kiwis are great! If you’re looking for a fruit that can provide you with some deserted island amnesia by falling from a tree onto your head, then look no further than giant kiwis! I’ve also found they’re great makeshift bowling balls when your evil ex-wife Sharon throws away all your things after you forgot her birthday for the 3rd year in a row. Mmmm mmm good! 
  9. Sour Patch Kids (the watermelon kind though) – The first like 12 of these you eat are really tasty but I tend to get bored of them rather quickly. Suggest that you only buy during the summer (which is watermelon season, when they’re at their ripest). 
  10. Kiwis – A fun kiwi recipe that millenials are notorious for loving is avocado toast. Save some money by making it at the home you were able to afford all because you didn’t go out to brunch! Here’s how: get a kiwi, remove all the seeds, smush it up reaaaaaal good and spread it on a hard piece of bread. Delightful! 

 

Well, that’s it for our nutritional tid-bit of the day! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as you enjoy the dozen kiwis you’re surely going to eat for dinner tonight!

-Brian Best

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I Started CrossFit Last Week, So I’ve Decided To Base My Entire Personality Around That Fact

Hey there readers, it’s me, Brian (from the last blog post).

Just wanted to fill everyone in on my newest hobby, which is:

  1.  talking about BitCoin
  2. posting videos of me hula hooping on Instagram
  3. eating a vegan diet
  4. recording a podcast series
  5. posting daily Snapchats of me playing Fortnite
  6. telling everyone I meet what their astrology sign means
  7. defending Drake on the Internet
  8. hitting my juul as often and indiscreetly as possible
  9. being in a literal cult
  10. CrossFit

Continue reading “I Started CrossFit Last Week, So I’ve Decided To Base My Entire Personality Around That Fact”

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