Vietnamese Sweatshop Workers Proud To Make Shoes For Company That Stands Up For The Right Thing

Created and Co-Written by Kelly Kircher

Da Nang, Vietnam– News of the Nike’s latest ad campaign starring Colin Kaepernick spread quickly and, as expected, has garnered quite a response. Some found themselves inspired and in agreement with Nike’s marketing strategy, while others found themselves with cut-in-half crew socks and the charred remains of foot-odor ridden Air Maxes.

Kaepernick ended his football career in favor of social activism, making him a role model for the disenfranchised, but also making him the subject of 90% of poorly edited and blatantly racist Facebook memes shared by your grandparents in 2018.

We were able to interview two employees during their one allotted bathroom break over the course of their 16 hour shift. These employees will remain anonymous, not out of fear for their safety, but because they have been overworked in unsafe conditions for so long that they can’t recall their names or if they ever even had one. When asked about her response to the Kaepernick ads, the first employee replied:

“It’s an honor to be working for a company that values bravery and self-sacrifice for the greater good. My 14 roommates and I are so proud of Nike for taking this stand against human rights violations in America.”

At this point, our subject’s 2 minute permitted bathroom time had expired and the interview was over. We hung out in the stall for a couple hours until we were finally able to get this reply from a second employee asked about his reaction to Nike’s sudden socially-woke stance:

“I have butterflies in my stomach. I literally have no clue what news you’re talking about, seeing as how I can’t afford a TV and I wouldn’t have the spare time to watch it anyways, but I do have butterflies in my stomach. They’re slightly poisonous, sure, but it’s better than starving to death. Maybe.”

With this campaign, Nike has clearly solidified itself as the industry’s leader in racial and social equality activism. In the weeks to come, it will be interesting to see if other corporate titans who built their wealth on the backs of what is essentially slave labor will follow suit with bold-yet-superficial stances of their own.

Look no further than this dark, cramped sweatshop in Da Nang for proof of the bright, limitless future that awaits Nike if they keep running this race of righteousness.


Edited and Co-Written by Brian Best

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nike representatives refused to comment when asked about the three factory deaths that took place during our tour, but kindly sent our entire staff some pretty cool posters and gym bags instead.

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NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer”

When it comes to the downfall of a once GREAT civilization, it appears that we’re halfway there (oh! oh! livin’ on a prayer!–see what I did there?).

No, but seriously, this is a huge deal.

I’m SICK and TIRED–but that’s just a general statement about my well-being as an old guy that gets angry while watching the news every day.


Continue reading “NFL Players Need To Stop Disrespecting Our Country By Not Standing For Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer””

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