Vietnamese Sweatshop Workers Proud To Make Shoes For Company That Stands Up For The Right Thing

Created and Co-Written by Kelly Kircher

Da Nang, Vietnam– News of the Nike’s latest ad campaign starring Colin Kaepernick spread quickly and, as expected, has garnered quite a response. Some found themselves inspired and in agreement with Nike’s marketing strategy, while others found themselves with cut-in-half crew socks and the charred remains of foot-odor ridden Air Maxes.

Kaepernick ended his football career in favor of social activism, making him a role model for the disenfranchised, but also making him the subject of 90% of poorly edited and blatantly racist Facebook memes shared by your grandparents in 2018.

We were able to interview two employees during their one allotted bathroom break over the course of their 16 hour shift. These employees will remain anonymous, not out of fear for their safety, but because they have been overworked in unsafe conditions for so long that they can’t recall their names or if they ever even had one. When asked about her response to the Kaepernick ads, the first employee replied:

“It’s an honor to be working for a company that values bravery and self-sacrifice for the greater good. My 14 roommates and I are so proud of Nike for taking this stand against human rights violations in America.”

At this point, our subject’s 2 minute permitted bathroom time had expired and the interview was over. We hung out in the stall for a couple hours until we were finally able to get this reply from a second employee asked about his reaction to Nike’s sudden socially-woke stance:

“I have butterflies in my stomach. I literally have no clue what news you’re talking about, seeing as how I can’t afford a TV and I wouldn’t have the spare time to watch it anyways, but I do have butterflies in my stomach. They’re slightly poisonous, sure, but it’s better than starving to death. Maybe.”

With this campaign, Nike has clearly solidified itself as the industry’s leader in racial and social equality activism. In the weeks to come, it will be interesting to see if other corporate titans who built their wealth on the backs of what is essentially slave labor will follow suit with bold-yet-superficial stances of their own.

Look no further than this dark, cramped sweatshop in Da Nang for proof of the bright, limitless future that awaits Nike if they keep running this race of righteousness.

 

Edited and Co-Written by Brian Best

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nike representatives refused to comment when asked about the three factory deaths that took place during our tour, but kindly sent our entire staff some pretty cool posters and gym bags instead.

Please follow and like us:

8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina

Hello readers! Brian here. Well, we’re halfway through 2018 and you know what that means–yep! Time to give up on all of my aspirations and completely redirect.

Don’t fret, mom and the other 2 people that actually read this blog (my mom’s co-workers that she coerces into reading my stuff during their lunch breaks), this next venture is bound to be a goldmine. Unlike the other 300 career plans that I’ve cycled through in a revolving door fashion over the past few years, this one is simply bullet-proof.

As of today, I am rebranding myself as a travel writer. It’s almost a certainty you’ll see my face in one of those in-flight magazines the next time you fly coach into Pittsburgh for a business seminar. BuzzFeed wishes they could have this.

Introducing my first ever travel piece, ‘8 (Literal) Signs That You’re In North Carolina’! Just like in my article about street signs and band names, these are all real life signs that I’ve come across in Raleigh, NC and the surrounding areas. Enjoy!

 

Here in North Carolina, you can hardly take 10 steps without hearing our signature slogan:

“Y’all ain’t lived ’til y’all done tried our roast sand, hun”

The beauty of this sign is its honesty and simplicity. Indeed, roast sand is delicious. Plus, it’s a hell of a lot better for you than fried sand, which as we all know is the signature dish in vastly inferior South Carolina.

 

 

 

 

 


The following is a paid avertisement:

 

Interested in purchasing a HUGE kid for a small price? Then come on down to JoCoSale, where the only thing bigger than our discounts are our kids! August 12-14 only. Discounts offered on purchases of 5 kids or more. No refunds.

 

 

 

 


 

Ah, allow me to introduce you to one of North Carolina’s biggest celebrities: Strange Man on a Billboard. Nobody knows who this guy is. Nobody’s ever actually seen him. We don’t know if he’s even real. But he’s scary looking. That hat, those gazing eyes. He knows things about us that we don’t even know about ourselves. About half of every North Carolinian’s paycheck goes straight to Strange Man on a Billboard every payday. We don’t know what Strange Man on a Billboard is supposedly protecting us from, but it must be f***ing terrifying for it to be a bigger threat to our well-being than he is. I should change the subject now, assuredly the Strange Man on a Billboard is watching.


 

Here in North Carolina, inflation hit us hard. For evidence of this, check out this “deal” at the local Burger King. $329 for a two cheeseburger deal? Get out of here, Corporate America. I’m no capitalistic drone–you won’t catch me paying more than $200 for a two cheeseburger meal. Unless it comes with a toy, I guess. It’d have to be something cool like a Sonic toy or maybe GI Joe.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Although inflation continues to rise steeply, the housing market in North Carolina has actually never been better. A lot of big-wig economists with their dumb book-learning and self-congratulatory jargon will try to use the current interest rate as proof that the housing market is thriving. However, that’s stupid because I think you and I both know that decimals are super small, so that can’t really be all that important. You know? If you want an example of how great of a time it is to purchase a home, take a look at the CPPP (Complimentary Pizzas Per Purchase) rate. It has never been higher, and some are even speculating that we’ll be in 2 topping territory by the time 2019 rolls around.

 


 

 

Hmm, not sure if this one is a marketing blunder or brilliant advertising. I’ll reserve comment until I find out which.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Ah, the Laxy of Sports. This one is a bit embarrassing for me to explain. So, the Laxy of Sports was actually built as a tribute to Airbud–or as our former governor called him: “The Lassie of Sports”. However, us North Carolinans no are very good in English or speling.

 


 

 

North Carolina–first in flight, 48th in education, birthplace of Pepsi Cola and Brian Best, and home to the only furniture store for Monks by Monks (better known as a rug store). No one has actually seen any Monks in this state, but surely they must exist because this strange business has existed as long as any of us can remember.

 


If you see any signs like this, there’s no way you’re anywhere besides North Carolina.

Brian Best

World Class Travel Writer

Please follow and like us: